I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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