I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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