dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
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