idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
