Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
