Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
im holly from the hills drunk
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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