What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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