hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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