I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
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