hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
