Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
