Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
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