so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
