Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
