Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
