He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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