in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
