Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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