What did we do last night that was yellow?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
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he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
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