I love black thongs
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
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