god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I'm sobbing to NWA
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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