He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Randomize
