I wish I could teleport
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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