My underwear smells like fireworks.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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