We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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