I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
