and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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