Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
