At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
