Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
