And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
