new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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