I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
