I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Randomize
