I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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