my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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