Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
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I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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