what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
