WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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