I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
