Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
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