Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
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