you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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