I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
