The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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