The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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