Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
