I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Randomize
