everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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