I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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