Umm I'm too high to move.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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