After last night, I could never be a politician.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
He did a backflip because drugs
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
