Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
you traded sex for a burrito?
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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