I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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