Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
