how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
