Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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