I just threw up on my dentist
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
