Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
