when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
My breath smells like gin and sadness
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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